I decided to homeschool myself on life
Hold my hand
Follow me into the abyss
Let me show you
What you don’t see
What you don’t want to see in me
As you’d rather
Think it’s just all oh so easy
To live my life
To run the business that I do
To be so fucking awesome
Constantly on point
Constantly on it…
.
Are you with me?
Here…
Here’s my hand
Grab it
Just take hold and follow
.
See my weary eyes
Glazed over
Body feeling weak
Barely able to stay upright
Heart rate low
Almost too slow
Mind refusing to work
Forgetting what I said
Forgetting what I walked in the room for
Thinking I’ve don’t something while clearly I haven’t
Every now and then
A tear rolling down my cheek
That sometimes (actually quite often)
Turns into a raging waterfall of emotion
Sometimes even a fleeting thought:
What’s the fucking point?
Just what is the point really…?
.
I know what you’re thinking!
This shit does not happen to her
How can it?
She’s way past that
Or maybe even
She’s different to me
She’s some sort of special
She doesn’t experience life this way
Doesn’t she speak about living Unlimited like a broken ducking record?
.
See I know what you’re thinking…
I know because I ask!
I ask at our events
I ask my personal clients
I ask ‘our people’ so I can keep this straight
As transparency and vulnerability are some of my most important values
And if I don’t live by that shit
Who am I really?
A lying scum bag that wants you to believe in her bullshit…
Nope…
It’s a no from me on this audition!
.
See, I asked so many times on so many different occasions
What people think my life looks like behind the scenes
Behind what you see on social media
I speak about the dark and the light side often
Yet you as my spectator
A spectator of the Cliff and Marta Show
Often selectively pick and choose what to see
After all
You are the one holding the remote control of your perception
.
Your perception often goes like this:
She lives the island life filled with sun and adventure
Running the business of her dreams that is always thriving
Amazing relationship
Squeaky clean bank account with always a surplus of money available
Joy, love and fulfilment
Bursting out at the seams
Life just so fucking perfect that it makes you feel sick
Maybe even hate me a little sometimes
.
I get that!
I’ve done that too in the past
Glorified and put on the pedestal those that inspired me to step up
To step up my own game of life
And you know what?
The whole stepping up thing just could not happen
As I separated myself from the inspirational ones
I felt lesser, smaller, less worthy
How could I possibly have ever stepped into their shoes
If I was feeling so different
So from a different league…?
Impossible!
.
And then at some point
I cant quite remember what happened?
Oh I think it was actually
Reading Maxwell Maltz and his Psychocybernetics
Where he gives you a task to live inside your idol’s life for a month
To literally stalk them
Find out as much as you can about them
If you can – speak to them
Ask questions
Be curious
As freaky and creepy as it sounds I did that
And I still do sometimes
When I feel deeply inspired
To only once again find out
That the person in question
Is no different to me
No different to you
Not some god like mythical creature
Just another dude or dudette
That at some point decided that societal bullshit is not for them
And stepped their game up
And you know what?
The only difference between you and your idol
Is that
Regardless of their inner or outer landscape (and of course one always being just a reflection of the other)
They just keep going
And I just keep going
I don’t have plan B
I don’t have a spongy soft cushion to fall back on
And even if
I feel so weary
So tired and run down
Like I do today
I pick my shit up
I get the fuck up and keep going
Even if that means allowing myself to feel shit first
I’ll never push past my soul’s whisper
I’ll never push past my body’s warning
It’s nearly 2pm here in Cyprus and I’ve done nothing other than sat in the sun to warm myself up
Slumped over with a cup of green tea
And laughing at the state of me when Cliff brought our pup back from the groomer
And only through this allowance of space
Of feeling just a little sorry for myself today
This mammoth of a post came through as I believe there’s someone out there waiting to read it
.
Remember
That if you are indeed a spectator of my life
Of the Cliff and Marta Show as it unravels before you
That there’s no perfection in life
Or in fact everything is perfect just as it is
Whichever you see it
The job is never done
The ups and downs
The constant flow of emotions
Will never stop
Not until you stop breathing
We always and in all ways continue going to school
The school of our life
The lesson is never over
And I’ll leave you with that for today
There is one thing you can do about it
You can choose
(Of course she fucking said that – a CHOICE! Oh what a timely reminder)
YES
You can choose!
I said this before
And
I’ll repeat myself like a broken record
YOU are the one holding the remote control of your perception
And YOU CAN CHOOSE
Whether you go through life
Attending the socially conditioned lectures
Or whether you
Pull yourself out of it
And homeschool yourself
Choosing what and who it is that you want to learn from
This stuff is so powerful so
Cliff and I actually decided
To rename our signature program
And call it The University of Life – that teaches you all the things you wish you learnt at school
And hand on heart
All this stuff
Allows me to live my life the way I do at the moment
Home schooling myself
Was the key to my ability
To experience the highest highs
And the lowest lows
Without quitting
Without throwing the towel in
And walking out of this class room
We’ll be talking a lot more about it
And inviting you to apply for our next intake
So keep your eyes peeled
Wouldn’t it be so freaking cool to have us as your Life Studies tutors?
Yours truly (today, vulnerable as fuck and also flat as a pancake)
The Dean and The Chancellor Wilde ????
(Because even the greatest teachers have their flat moments and that’s where their strength comes from)
❤️ x
