I decided to homeschool myself on life

 

Hold my hand

Follow me into the abyss

Let me show you

What you don’t see

What you don’t want to see in me

As you’d rather

Think it’s just all oh so easy

To live my life

To run the business that I do

To be so fucking awesome

Constantly on point

Constantly on it…

.

Are you with me?

Here…

Here’s my hand

Grab it

Just take hold and follow

.

See my weary eyes

Glazed over

Body feeling weak

Barely able to stay upright

Heart rate low

Almost too slow

Mind refusing to work

Forgetting what I said

Forgetting what I walked in the room for

Thinking I’ve don’t something while clearly I haven’t

Every now and then

A tear rolling down my cheek

That sometimes (actually quite often)

Turns into a raging waterfall of emotion

Sometimes even a fleeting thought:

What’s the fucking point?

Just what is the point really…?

.

I know what you’re thinking!

This shit does not happen to her

How can it?

She’s way past that

Or maybe even

She’s different to me

She’s some sort of special

She doesn’t experience life this way

Doesn’t she speak about living Unlimited like a broken ducking record?

.

See I know what you’re thinking…

I know because I ask!

I ask at our events

I ask my personal clients

I ask ‘our people’ so I can keep this straight

As transparency and vulnerability are some of my most important values

And if I don’t live by that shit

Who am I really?

A lying scum bag that wants you to believe in her bullshit…

Nope…

It’s a no from me on this audition!

.

See, I asked so many times on so many different occasions

What people think my life looks like behind the scenes

Behind what you see on social media

I speak about the dark and the light side often

Yet you as my spectator

A spectator of the Cliff and Marta Show

Often selectively pick and choose what to see

After all

You are the one holding the remote control of your perception

.

Your perception often goes like this:

She lives the island life filled with sun and adventure

Running the business of her dreams that is always thriving

Amazing relationship

Squeaky clean bank account with always a surplus of money available

Joy, love and fulfilment

Bursting out at the seams

Life just so fucking perfect that it makes you feel sick

Maybe even hate me a little sometimes

.

I get that!

I’ve done that too in the past

Glorified and put on the pedestal those that inspired me to step up

To step up my own game of life

And you know what?

The whole stepping up thing just could not happen

As I separated myself from the inspirational ones

I felt lesser, smaller, less worthy

How could I possibly have ever stepped into their shoes

If I was feeling so different

So from a different league…?

Impossible!

.

And then at some point

I cant quite remember what happened?

Oh I think it was actually

Reading Maxwell Maltz and his Psychocybernetics

Where he gives you a task to live inside your idol’s life for a month

To literally stalk them

Find out as much as you can about them

If you can – speak to them

Ask questions

Be curious

As freaky and creepy as it sounds I did that

And I still do sometimes

When I feel deeply inspired

To only once again find out

That the person in question

Is no different to me

No different to you

Not some god like mythical creature

Just another dude or dudette

That at some point decided that societal bullshit is not for them

And stepped their game up

And you know what?

The only difference between you and your idol

Is that

Regardless of their inner or outer landscape (and of course one always being just a reflection of the other)

They just keep going

And I just keep going

I don’t have plan B

I don’t have a spongy soft cushion to fall back on

And even if

I feel so weary

So tired and run down

Like I do today

I pick my shit up

I get the fuck up and keep going

Even if that means allowing myself to feel shit first

I’ll never push past my soul’s whisper

I’ll never push past my body’s warning

It’s nearly 2pm here in Cyprus and I’ve done nothing other than sat in the sun to warm myself up

Slumped over with a cup of green tea

And laughing at the state of me when Cliff brought our pup back from the groomer

And only through this allowance of space

Of feeling just a little sorry for myself today

This mammoth of a post came through as I believe there’s someone out there waiting to read it

.

Remember

That if you are indeed a spectator of my life

Of the Cliff and Marta Show as it unravels before you

That there’s no perfection in life

Or in fact everything is perfect just as it is

Whichever you see it

The job is never done

The ups and downs

The constant flow of emotions

Will never stop

Not until you stop breathing

We always and in all ways continue going to school

The school of our life

The lesson is never over

And I’ll leave you with that for today

There is one thing you can do about it

You can choose

(Of course she fucking said that – a CHOICE! Oh what a timely reminder)

YES

You can choose!

I said this before

And

I’ll repeat myself like a broken record

YOU are the one holding the remote control of your perception

And YOU CAN CHOOSE

Whether you go through life

Attending the socially conditioned lectures

Or whether you

Pull yourself out of it

And homeschool yourself

Choosing what and who it is that you want to learn from

This stuff is so powerful so

Cliff and I actually decided

To rename our signature program

And call it The University of Life – that teaches you all the things you wish you learnt at school

And hand on heart

All this stuff

Allows me to live my life the way I do at the moment

Home schooling myself

Was the key to my ability

To experience the highest highs

And the lowest lows

Without quitting

Without throwing the towel in

And walking out of this class room

We’ll be talking a lot more about it

And inviting you to apply for our next intake

So keep your eyes peeled

Wouldn’t it be so freaking cool to have us as your Life Studies tutors?

Yours truly (today, vulnerable as fuck and also flat as a pancake)

The Dean and The Chancellor Wilde ????

(Because even the greatest teachers have their flat moments and that’s where their strength comes from)

❤️ x